1. |
Picker's Pace
02:40
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‘Tis the season for static electric shock
‘Tis the season to put this thing in that box
Happy holidays don’t allow for a picker’s pace
Drug my aching joints and run back into place.
Christmas is a lie
When you’re picking for Amazon
And shipping isn’t free but we believe in Santa Claus
Christmas is a lie
When you’re picking for Amazon
Kill me with a click
and put a Christmas special on
Every day it seems it brings me to my knees
Don’t mistake it for deference or praying
Human suffering is OK when it’s out of sight
Grind me into dust in this cold Midwestern night
Christmas is a lie
When you’re picking for Amazon
And shipping isn’t free but we believe in Santa Claus
Christmas is a lie
When you’re picking for Amazon
Kill me with a click
and put a Christmas special on
First time late is half a penalty
One hour late is one full penalty
Absence one and one half penalty
Six points and you’re fired
First time late is half a penalty
One hour late is one full penalty
Absence one and one half penalty
Six points and you’re fired
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2. |
Boxing Day
05:01
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Dad cuts the turkey,
mom passes the gravy,
grandma makes a racist joke.
We like to think we were
brought together by
more than genetics.
We like to think we’re the special ones.
But we’re just a cosmic joke,
a random assemblage
I thought softly falling snow
was supposed to be calming.
Pathetic fallacy
never felt quite so pathetic.
The flakes keep piling,
we all keep smiling,
as if everything is
as it should be.
The kids run off to play as we sit in silence.
Their parents fix a drink.
The clinking of ice in a tumbler,
that’s what Christmas means to me.
Bing Crosby
dreams of a white Christmas.
I dream of
Boxing Day.
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3. |
March or May
02:24
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I threw my gloves in the car,
threw some gas on the card.
I threw some forms at the manager
and he threw them back unread,
so I'll be staying behind.
I hope my friends won't mind.
I'll be there at my earliest—
I'll be laughing, spilling beer.
As far as I can tell,
I'll be home for Christmas stories
sometime after inventory.
So we unboxed our tree.
It's sort of pretty to see:
it's on a literal pedestal, with
presents underneath.
But I still hope for the days
when I can crash at your place
and spend a minute rejoicing
with my family (read: friends).
I'll be home in January/Februrary/March/May.
So I'll tweet you "happy holidays."
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4. |
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My favourite Christmas program is Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory
It ain’t the holidays ‘til retired wrestlers confront security
Slouched in a worn IKEA couch, we take in the spectacle
Watching a walking hunk of rage probe trash receptacles
This Christmas
I know where my family resides
We’re getting drunk
And playing board games in your apartment
And we might be full of Old Dutch
But there’s room for Viet Thai
Because we’re drunk and playing board games in your apartment
It’s Christmas time – it’s time to say I love you
My favourite Christmas game is broken picture telephone
Sitting next to James and down is up and up is up too somehow
Sprawled in a ragged circle we’ll laugh until we choke
As we prove that Godwin’s Law applies to telephone
This Christmas
I know where my family resides
We’re getting drunk
And playing board games in your apartment
And we might be full of Old Dutch
But there’s room for Viet Thai
Because we’re drunk and playing board games in your apartment
It’s Christmas time – it’s time to say I love you
Decadents
Peanut M & Ms
Twizzlers
All Dressed
No Turkey
Fuck your Christmas Ham
We don’t need a roasting pan
This Christmas
I know where my family resides
We’re getting drunk
And playing board games in your apartment
And we might be full of Old Dutch
But there’s room for Viet Thai
Because we’re drunk and playing board games in your apartment
It’s Christmas time – it’s time to say I love you
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