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Boxing Day

by Chain Restaurant

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1.
‘Tis the season for static electric shock ‘Tis the season to put this thing in that box Happy holidays don’t allow for a picker’s pace Drug my aching joints and run back into place. Christmas is a lie When you’re picking for Amazon And shipping isn’t free but we believe in Santa Claus Christmas is a lie When you’re picking for Amazon Kill me with a click and put a Christmas special on Every day it seems it brings me to my knees Don’t mistake it for deference or praying Human suffering is OK when it’s out of sight Grind me into dust in this cold Midwestern night Christmas is a lie When you’re picking for Amazon And shipping isn’t free but we believe in Santa Claus Christmas is a lie When you’re picking for Amazon Kill me with a click and put a Christmas special on First time late is half a penalty One hour late is one full penalty Absence one and one half penalty Six points and you’re fired First time late is half a penalty One hour late is one full penalty Absence one and one half penalty Six points and you’re fired
2.
Boxing Day 05:01
Dad cuts the turkey, mom passes the gravy, grandma makes a racist joke. We like to think we were brought together by more than genetics. We like to think we’re the special ones. But we’re just a cosmic joke, a random assemblage I thought softly falling snow was supposed to be calming. Pathetic fallacy never felt quite so pathetic. The flakes keep piling, we all keep smiling, as if everything is as it should be. The kids run off to play as we sit in silence. Their parents fix a drink. The clinking of ice in a tumbler, that’s what Christmas means to me. Bing Crosby dreams of a white Christmas. I dream of Boxing Day.
3.
March or May 02:24
I threw my gloves in the car, threw some gas on the card. I threw some forms at the manager and he threw them back unread, so I'll be staying behind. I hope my friends won't mind. I'll be there at my earliest— I'll be laughing, spilling beer. As far as I can tell, I'll be home for Christmas stories sometime after inventory. So we unboxed our tree. It's sort of pretty to see: it's on a literal pedestal, with presents underneath. But I still hope for the days when I can crash at your place and spend a minute rejoicing with my family (read: friends). I'll be home in January/Februrary/March/May. So I'll tweet you "happy holidays."
4.
My favourite Christmas program is Jesse Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory It ain’t the holidays ‘til retired wrestlers confront security Slouched in a worn IKEA couch, we take in the spectacle Watching a walking hunk of rage probe trash receptacles This Christmas I know where my family resides We’re getting drunk And playing board games in your apartment And we might be full of Old Dutch But there’s room for Viet Thai Because we’re drunk and playing board games in your apartment It’s Christmas time – it’s time to say I love you My favourite Christmas game is broken picture telephone Sitting next to James and down is up and up is up too somehow Sprawled in a ragged circle we’ll laugh until we choke As we prove that Godwin’s Law applies to telephone This Christmas I know where my family resides We’re getting drunk And playing board games in your apartment And we might be full of Old Dutch But there’s room for Viet Thai Because we’re drunk and playing board games in your apartment It’s Christmas time – it’s time to say I love you Decadents Peanut M & Ms Twizzlers All Dressed No Turkey Fuck your Christmas Ham We don’t need a roasting pan This Christmas I know where my family resides We’re getting drunk And playing board games in your apartment And we might be full of Old Dutch But there’s room for Viet Thai Because we’re drunk and playing board games in your apartment It’s Christmas time – it’s time to say I love you

about

Mostly recorded 14 December 2014 at J. Percy Page High School.
Shout-out to Errol West.

credits

released December 24, 2014

Matthew Blackwell, Craig Fink, Mason Pitzel.

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Chain Restaurant Edmonton, Alberta

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